Kaptured Chat

Artist · Site Admin Joined: 17 Jul 2005 Posts: 3810

For Immediate Release, May 18, 2012

(Atlanta, GA) At 7:04 PM EDT, a new egocentric record was set by Weather Channel Storm Chaser Jim Cantore. At the beginning of that broadcast, it was announced that Dr. Rick Knabb, formerly of TWC, has been selected to head the National Hurricane Center in Miami.

During his part of the broadcast, Cantore noted that "...both finalists for the job worked with me in my coverage of hurricane seasons. You could say I am their best reference." With that phrase, Cantore managed to unseat Donald Trump for the fastest and least relevant self centering. Mr. Trump previously held the record for his assertion that all construction jobs led back to him, as well as his ongoing combover and spray tan trendstopping.

At the time Cantore made his statement, several actual meteorologists at TWC reacted by throwing their pocket protectors. Fortunately, the glare from Cantore's head caused many to miss the mark.

Knabb commented that, "I sure am lucky to have worked with Jim. I know that my multiple degrees and decade of experience leading storm forecasting teams would not have meant anything had I not had the good fortune to work with a talking penis." Knabb went on to note that, "As a rule, listening to Jim is pretty much the same as putting your ear next to an actual penis. You just end up wet, sticky and uninformed."

The other candidate for the job, Dr. Steve Lyons, also an alumni of TWC, offered Knabb his congratulations and commiseration. "Cantore is going to really hound him for any hint of a named system. Jim really does believe that the storms are about him."

The US Egological Survey reported that the egoquake at TWC headquarters measured 7.8 on the Roker scale, making it one of the largest non-Hollywood egoquakes in US history. Fortunately only minor damage was reported and fewer than 50 people had to be treated for rapid onset ennui.

Knabb's replacement at TWC as Tropical Weather Expert is unknown as a national search has thus far come up empty. The last candidate for the job accepted a position in Barrow, Alaska doing wet bulb thermometer reading in winter.

TWC congratulates Dr. Knabb and wishes him good luck in his new position and expresses envy that he no longer has to work with Jim Cantore.

For further information, contact (duh) Jim Cantore at 770-226-9338.
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"I don't make the rules. I just think them up and write them down."
Eric Cartman
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"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."
Bob Dylan

Dutchman · Joined: 17 Jul 2005 Posts: 9064 Location: Hooterville

Resisting the urge to tell a penicular joke, I'll go with this:

NBC genius: "We could bring back John Hope."

Other genius: "Uh, he's been dead a while."

Head genius: "Then cross him off the list."

First genius: "What about Abrams?"

Head genius: "Great idea! She's the perfect mix of homely, arrogance, and sh*t-for-brains to advance our brand."
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"Ah, but the strawberries! That's, that's where I had them."

Artist · Site Admin Joined: 17 Jul 2005 Posts: 3810

Or the VP in charge of programming said, "So what? Dead is not a problem. Have you seen our ratings? Dead can only help."
_________________
"I don't make the rules. I just think them up and write them down."
Eric Cartman
- - -
"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."
Bob Dylan

Dutchman · Joined: 17 Jul 2005 Posts: 9064 Location: Hooterville

KAppuccino · Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 807 Location: Las Vegas, Nevada

Keep trotting that fratboy in a dress out for every hurricane.

As Ron White said...it's not that the wind is blowing, it's what the is blowing.
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Pro Aris et Focis